Since I've run across memories of several experiences which were not included in "Louis and the Dead", and moreover, since it would seem ambitious to embark upon future fulfillment of a volume, rather than to overburden my earlier integral literary unit with unrelated incidents, I will implement this second section, which I will entitle:
[Actually the truth of this statement was once disproved when a couple of friends who were recovering from ingestion of funny chemicals went to a McDonald's to get something to eat. The first member of the pair successfully executed customer behavior: order, payment, pickup. He immediately retreated to a safe distance. The second individual was able to order successfully, but when the payment stage arrived, there was discrepancy between his total disbursement in coins as perceived by the cashier and as perceived by him. "I said 65 cents." "It is 65 cents!" Needless to say, the sight of this interaction sent our successfully completed customer-friend reeling into hysterics, which only compounded the confusion of our consternated second friend. But somehow he straightened it out, and, with a sheepish face, purple with embarrassment, with eyes as big as saucers, and with a giggling friend, he vacated the premises posthaste.]
Well, one day as we were returning from purchasing the wood which was destined to launch us on our career as furniture builders, we decided to stop in at a McDonald's for lunch. We went in, and while inside, my friend Joshua stuck a napkin to the cash register in such a way that customers, but not employees, could plainly read: "You're never too stoned for McDonald's". We then went outside and watched what eventuated from the inconspicuity of Louis. As was to be expected, pretty soon a customer called attention to our napkin message. The McDonald's people seemed amused, and so were we. We finished our lunches and started to drive away. In doing so we stopped at a drive-up garbage receptacle to dispose of our fast-food-wrapping wastepaper. (Amazing, isn't it, how much of it those places generate!) I might clarify at this point: this form of drive-up garbage receptacle is really just a big plastic garbage can with a lid that curves over to an opening at car-window height. Anyway, we disposed of our garbage (conveniently, from our car) and started to pull away from the container. However, I neglected to remember the seven foot boards which were protruding from the window behind me. Of course, the container went over with a crash and dumped garbage all over the parking lot. I wonder now why we didn't count how many people had thrown away their pickles as we picked up all that garbage.
When I wrote the last chapter, I forgot that the precedent for hood ornaments had actually been established long before the purchase of the sitting ape piggybank. Louis' original hood ornament was an orange plastic "Prehistoric Monster" which I found free inside a specially-marked box of Rice Honeys, I glued it onto the hood but the three-inch Triceratops fell off quite quickly.
Perhaps Louis' most unusual hood ornament came from McDonald's. One time we stopped in at a
local McDonald's and found that, if we bought one of their phenomenal
seven-flavor-and-funny-lookin' ice cream cones, we would receive, absolutely free, a hideous
McDonaldland poster, in full color, featuring Mayor McCheese. The temptation was too much to
resist. Upon getting our "ice cream" cones we discovered that they tasted suspiciously-much like
molded styrofoam and were quite inedible. Rather than throw my confection out the window into
the street (where it would surely have punctured someone's tire) I rose to the occasion by jumping
out of the car and mashing the "ice cream" cone, upside down, on the hood of Louis, in the
manner of a unicorn figure horn. (I didn't consider whether the paint on my hood would be injured
but there was no detectable damage. Ed.)
[A later variation on the "unicorn figure-horn" theme was performed by my friend Joshua in a hardware store. He came up to the cute cashier with a tube of caulk which he was holding up to his forehead in the manner of a unicorn horn. She knew us and responded with the playfully aggressive: "Oh, I know, you're a unicorn!" "No, horny."]
The road from McDonald's passes by the police station. As luck would have it, a police car pulled out behind us as we passed the station. We happened to be going the same way and he followed me, pulling up beside me at a light. He wasn't interested in me, but he looked curiously at my hood ornament which was beginning to melt and slide down the hood. The policeman drove off, and we went on our way. The wind was opposing the tendency of the melting cone to slide off the front of the car. We knew we had to do something. We were about to pass a golf course and had an idea. We stopped beside the golf course and my accomplice took the cone and stuck it "ice cream" upward in the cup at one of the holes. We drove off giggling at the thought of some unfortunate golfer retrieving his ball after a lucky hole-in-one.
At home, there is a black Labrador retriever named Duke, alias Feathers. Duke, alias Feathers, likes to play "fetch". Tennis balls are his favorite toys, (as can be readily seen from the way he barks and runs around when he's shut outside of the tennis court on which people are playing) but we discovered Duke, alias Feathers, also likes to fetch tires. One time as I was trading my bent-wheel-rim spare for the freshly fixed flat tire, [Louis was dependable about having flat tires, all the time. In Iowa, the day Louis died, a tire actually went flat while we were pushing the car by hand.] we tried rolling the tire, wheel rim included, for Duke, alias Feathers. He chased after it and managed to get it clamped in his mouth but it was too heavy for him to move. He seemed to enjoy the sport of it, and it was so comical to see him trying to master the tire that we did too. We realized that we had stumbled upon an explanation for the age-old phenomenon of dogs chasing cars. They're trying to fetch the tires!
Don't miss Coming Attractions: Chapter 3 In which Louis, on his first world tour is actually mistaken for an alfalfa patch and eaten by an elephant. In which Louis makes a guest appearance at the International Mechanical Engineering Convention. In which Louis climbs Mt. Kilimanjaro and places Jerry Garcia's Bozo card on the summit. In which Louis rescues 3 boy scouts, a mechanical pencil, and a chicken from certain death in a crevasse. In which Louis is nominated to the Common Market. In which Lou...
